"One standard bargepole"

News reaches the Common Man of some disgraceful goings on in Brussels. 7’8” tall Amazon Nikki Sinclaire has been victimised by 5’3” Godfrey Bloom to the extent that she has felt it necessary to make a formal complaint to the European Parliament.

Mr Sinclaire said that she had been ‘intimidated’ by the actions of Mr Bloom, and that he had made her feel sexually awkward: an accusation apparently made without irony, the Common Man understands.

Mr Sinclaire, who was arrested after gatecrashing a gay hustings and has frequently gone on record proclaiming her lesbianism, claims she was made to feel stupid, although the Common Man would venture to suggest that that was unconnected to her sexuality.

Mr Bloom meanwhile protests his innocence and the Common Man is reliably informed that he has at all times kept his distance from Mr Sinclaire. A distance of at least one standard bargepole.

Of more interest is what Camp Sinclaire hopes to gain by such an absurd accusation. With Mr Sinclaire shortly to have her collar felt over a long running expenses scam, could it be that she is seeking to create a smokescreen which will allow her to downplay the seriousness of the charges she is likely to face?

The Common Man understands that her comments to the Sunday Times have made her position worse. The basis of her thieving is that she claimed the mileage allowance for MEPs who drive to Brussels and Strasbourg, and instead went by public transport, pocketing a rather nice tax free sum in the process. Speaking to the Times, Ms Sinclaire claims to have done it ‘once, in error’. In fact she did this on at least 6 occasions. As if that was not bad enough, on one of these occasions when she was supposed to have driven, she had an official car meet her at the airport. It was already clear that intelligence was low on the agenda after her videotaped admissions earlier this year about how the withdrawal of the whip would ‘make her very rich’.

The Common Man has learnt that the OLAF investigation is now close to complete, and a file is being prepared for West Midlands police, who will shortly be arresting her: the situation is such that discussions have been held between the police and the CPS over timings and charges. UKIP, meanwhile, are preparing her likely replacement: unlike Ashley Mote, Ms Sinclaire is under 70 and therefore is likely to face a custodial sentence not dissimilar to Tom Wise.